Tuesday, May 31, 2005


I have a fear that my destiny will be written from the pages of the "lost" records of my heart. (The "found" section isn't that full, sadly). I was considering a line from the movie "Closer," in which there is a dialogue between the characters played by Jude Law and Julie Roberts during a scene in an opera house. Julia's character began to plead with Jude's, offering a pitiful consolation about her necessary act of infidelity to rid herself of the insepid third wheel in the affair, her soon-to-be ex-husband, played by Clive Owen. Julia slept with Clive so that he would sign the divorce papers and explained (unsuccessfully) that her act was one of "kindness." Jude cuts her off at that word and calls what she did "cowardice." "You don't have the guts to let him hate you!" he said. Whoa.

That sent me reeling. How many times have I compromised myself in the act of not letting go of something or someone that has no depth of purpose in my life? How many times have you waded in your comfort zone while someone made waves in your life but you continued to surround yourself with him/her? When I look over some of the people that I stay in cordial contact with, I realize that I am keeping them at arms length emotionally and sometimes they are downright irritating. But their absence, however brief, something stirs up inside me: an incompletion. I have been told by my mom over the years that I tend to be a "people pleaser." I like it when people like me. I have been campaigning against this tendency for sometime now, trying to change my ways and develop a spirit of ambivalence to a lot of things. Easier said (and written), than done. What is it about the inherent need (mine, specifically) to be in someone's favor and meet their approval? I WILL say this, -in many cases I don't care what people think. But in others, I find myself clamoring for acceptance and treading gingerly on the embryonic protective layer of barnyard fowl. (unnecessarily complex, I know...SUE ME!)

This is cowardice. Why don't I have the guts to let some people not care about, or better yet dislike me? There is no redeeming quality about this, I find. But since I have accepted the fact that it is a part of me, I am able to change it. Starting today. Does this mean that I'm going to be courageous enough to let someone hate me? No. It means that I will have enough maturity and compassion to pray for them, for they know not what they do.

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