Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Love Lost...

A question was posed on an e-group that I am a part of and it asked the timeless question: Is it better to have love and lost or to have never loved at all? My answer was brief but it speaks in the best terms that I know how, experience.

"I believe that it is better to love and lose. In fact, I would recommend loving and losing at least once before you elect to spend forever with your husband/wife. One thing that I have learned from being a recipient of heartbreak (and I have probably caused 1 or 2); is that the catharsis that you get from a broken heart is unlike anything else in life. The flurry of emotion that you go through, from anger to sadness to vindictiveness to even, sadly, the hardening of your heart to protect yourself, is part of what makes us the complex beings that we are. To never know the sting and depth of falling out of love is to never really experience the possibilities of its heights. Getting your heart broken is one of the worst feelings ever because you tend to shut down and convince yourself that you are going to be different to avoid that same outcome. This is unavoidable, but imagine what it feels like to change who you are, to protect who you must be, in order to avoid what MIGHT happen (again). Then ask yourself if its worth it."



I have a fear that my destiny will be written from the pages of the "lost" records of my heart. (The "found" section isn't that full, sadly). I was considering a line from the movie "Closer," in which there is a dialogue between the characters played by Jude Law and Julie Roberts during a scene in an opera house. Julia's character began to plead with Jude's, offering a pitiful consolation about her necessary act of infidelity to rid herself of the insepid third wheel in the affair, her soon-to-be ex-husband, played by Clive Owen. Julia slept with Clive so that he would sign the divorce papers and explained (unsuccessfully) that her act was one of "kindness." Jude cuts her off at that word and calls what she did "cowardice." "You don't have the guts to let him hate you!" he said. Whoa.

That sent me reeling. How many times have I compromised myself in the act of not letting go of something or someone that has no depth of purpose in my life? How many times have you waded in your comfort zone while someone made waves in your life but you continued to surround yourself with him/her? When I look over some of the people that I stay in cordial contact with, I realize that I am keeping them at arms length emotionally and sometimes they are downright irritating. But their absence, however brief, something stirs up inside me: an incompletion. I have been told by my mom over the years that I tend to be a "people pleaser." I like it when people like me. I have been campaigning against this tendency for sometime now, trying to change my ways and develop a spirit of ambivalence to a lot of things. Easier said (and written), than done. What is it about the inherent need (mine, specifically) to be in someone's favor and meet their approval? I WILL say this, -in many cases I don't care what people think. But in others, I find myself clamoring for acceptance and treading gingerly on the embryonic protective layer of barnyard fowl. (unnecessarily complex, I know...SUE ME!)

This is cowardice. Why don't I have the guts to let some people not care about, or better yet dislike me? There is no redeeming quality about this, I find. But since I have accepted the fact that it is a part of me, I am able to change it. Starting today. Does this mean that I'm going to be courageous enough to let someone hate me? No. It means that I will have enough maturity and compassion to pray for them, for they know not what they do.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Distance Is a Curious Thing

Have you ever considered the reasons behind someone distancing themselves from you? I know that I might be in a uniquely constructed situation, but it is thought-provoking nonetheless. I hope you didnt think that by distance I meant in proxemics; that would be entirely too simple. I meant distance as in the conscious act of pulling away. I've recently experienced various forms of this phenomena through interaction (or lack thereof) with "friends." Why the quotations, you ask? Because it seems that the foundation upon which friendship was erected has been tested by mere rain clouds. Gone is the sun, present is the breeze and with it the distinct smell of precipitation in the air. With the departure of the "fair" weather, it seems that a few silhouettes were making a hasty departure, -a break, if you will, for cover.

Am I upset? No. Confused? I wholeheartedly wish that I was. Complete with irony that I couldn't hope for, this is one of the few times that I would appreciate being ignorant of what has happened around me. The problem is, I understand. But beyond that, there's a curious thing about the distance placed between myself and a couple of my "friends": Neither side needs an apology for it. It is what it is. It's the gray area that so many of us seek to avoid, because to be there is to be in the unknown. Except this situation isn't about the unknown; it's about the unsure.

To associate with somebody under the pretense of friendship while your main interest lies in being romantically involved with that person is to commit a unique form of fraud. Especially when you retract your friendship when their intentions lie on someone else. We've all done it (in like Junior High!); It is a fact that you can grow older and not really grow wiser. I, however, have opted to attain some sort of maturity. I only wish that I had company on this road that I'm traveling. I digress...

You leave the market and they leave footprints on their way out of your life. To deal with dis-appointment, some people feel the need to dis-appear, to distance themselves from you. Can I blame them, though? No. To each his or her own. I just pray for patience and understanding beyond my minute supply...I still have a ways to g[r]o[w], after all.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Too Good to Be True...

How do you treat someone who is too good to be true? I have pondered over this question for some time now. The reason why it has been difficult finding an appropriate answer to this question is because of the way that such a statement impacts the one who speaks it, as well as the one who is being bestowed with such a "compliment."

There is fear present in that statement. It is carefully hidden behind revelation, nestled in the corner of hope. The person who says it is admitting more than just "I think you're the greatest," but there is also a measure of "I don't have much experience with someone as (good) as you," and a smidgen of "Please don't hurt me."

We tend to get caught up in the greatness that people are capable of and become overwhelmed by their seemingly unerring ways. He/She always says the right things; He/She is incredibly intuitive; He/She is caring, loving, intelligent, witty and beyond all that...they put up with you! They love your erratic and boldly different ways and they are fine with it! Is that not amazing? When we stand in awe of the tolerance that some people seem to have, admiration undoubtedly accompanies it. But then we wonder to ourselves..."why me?"

Of everyone in the world, why am I chosen? Maybe he/she hasn't quite experienced me the way I know I am/can be. There has to be something else going on. I'm bound to be hurt by her/him. This just too...you know the rest. Insert doubt [here].

That is what becomes of the brokenhearted- the ones that began starving their dreams and feeding their reality. They forget about the possibilities, possibly. So what do they do? THEY PUSH AWAY.

The deeper you go in love, it seems, the farther we have to fall out of it. Some of us rather cut it off on OUR terms than to become horribly disappointed by the surfacing human tendencies of our self-appointed demi-God. So we tell them things aren't working out. We tell them that we weren't as ready for a relationship as we thought we were. We tell them "It's not you; its me." And they buy it. Either that, or they shrug like they've heard it all before -because they HAVE. All they wanted was to be happy and make us happy. They were content in the present and would've lost serious money if they would've bet on the future. All they wanted was to love you. All they wanted was for things to change for the better. All I wanted was to bring chivalry back. All I wanted was to be different; to show you that I could love you the way you wanted to be, deserved to be, needed to be, -but you couldnt extend that same love to me. I had no alterior motives, just interior motivation...I, I...

've been "too good to be true" too often for my own good.

Authorized excuse

I'm not out of touch...just difficult...
I'm not unfeeling or unmotivated just unsure at times...
I think my occasional desire to control things and the steady influx of logic into the more complicated matters of the heart, discourages me.
I have a defeatist attitude at times because I've lost so much...I've beared the brunt of a lot, I've been through a lot and I see how my insecurity has cloaked itself in the robes of hubris and my hamartia is much like Othello's...that I "love[d] not wisely; but too well"
I get frustrated by my frustration...I get unhappy with ME.
My ideal mate is an unreal mate because I desire someone who finds it impossible to hurt or disappoint me (which I think everyone's tends to be).
I dehumanize women by placing them on pedestals and get frustrated if their posture while on that pedestal isnt perfect (Everyone isn't perfect but my unreal expectations call for a good effort at the least).
I place my hopes in a photograph because the motion picture has a tendency to improv and ad-lib...no one wants to stick to my approved and authorized script. This, I have a problem with.
I have control issues but I seem to be out of it half the time...if you think I am composed, it merely means that I portray my mess very well. If you catch me in real composure, my mess is most likely swept under my proverbial rug...
My head/house needs cleaning.